This Island Faith

The old MST3K movie, based on This Island Earth has been on cable lately. It stars the lovely Faith Domergue at her pointiest:


(What can I say? The pointy breasts, they drive my traffic! And Faith was not well-endowed, but that didn’t stop them from trying to mold them into flesh torpedoes.)

Anyway, the movie was made after MST3K had passed its prime, with Joel having left at the beginning of the previous season, and TV’s Frank leaving before the movie was shot. And the show had just been canceled off Comedy Central, and not yet picked up on Sci-Fi.

It doesn’t use the wonderfully concise expository theme song and Dr. Forrester looks horribly lonely all by himself without a minion to abuse. (Trace Beaulieu would leave at the end of the following season, I believe.) Tom Servo swears a few times and answers the vital question: Would the show be funnier if it didn’t have to adhere to TV language and content rules? (Answer: No.)

At the time, it seemed like a moderately good episode. Not great.

It holds up very well, however. The only really severely dated stuff is a reference to John Sununu. It features some classic lines, which will probably make you smile if you’ve ever seen it, and scratch your head if you haven’t:

Crow: Somebody sneezed on the credits!

Crow: The earth is exactly as we left it: With the USA in charge!

All: Normal view! Normal VIEW! NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIEEEEEWWW!!

Crow: Industry, Science and Technology!
Tom Servo: Big men sticking screw drivers into things, turning them and adjusting them.
Crow T. Robot: Build your very own Atom Storage Box!
Mike: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!
Crow T. Robot: Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes – and it really, really works.

It’s also got solid sketches, with Crow trying to tunnel to earth, Mike crashing the satellite into the Hubble (“I’m fully rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator”) and the Interositer service call (“Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?”).

This sort of humor is often very dated, with a shelf life akin to buttermilk. But this one seems better over time.

That may be because the latest Cinematic Titanic shows were delayed by the writer’s strike. Nah, it’s still gold. I gotta be honest: When I first saw MST3K, I liked the riffs and thought the whole puppet show was sorta stupid. As time passed, though, I realized that, besides being funny, the sketches gave a greater sense of character to the proceedings.

I hope they can manage something like that with CT.

Mammoth-ries?

Regular readers (both of you) will know I’ve decided to defy the demand for pointy breasts, last week with Jane Russell’s magnificence(s), and this week with the lovely Carole Landis.

A rather tragic figure, Landis appeared in an early blog post here about Turnabout. Her comedic work in that movie is marvelous, aping John Hubbard’s (exaggerated) masculinity, often while in this flowing nightrobe that displayed her femininity (insofar as movies of the time were so allowed).

However, Miss Landis’ breakthrough role was in the original One Million Years B.C., also for yukmeister Hal Roach. For better or worse, her performance here has long been over-shadowed by Racquel “fuzzy britches” Welch’s in the remake.

Nonetheless, it seems fairly clear that Landis’ talent (to say nothing of her talents) was squandered.

Landis’ co-lug for B.C. was the large-headed Victor Mature (whose only excuse for his name is tht he was born with it). Landis and Mature would later star with Betty Grable in the proto-noir I Wake Up Screaming.

In Which I Defy The Unending Demands of Pointy Breasts

Seriously. Guys. It was just a lark. I was watching Touch of Evil one night and noticing that Janet Leigh could poke someone’s eye out. Now I’m #3 on Google for “pointy breasts”. And probably half the hits I get come from someone looking for pointy breasts.

Enough! Here:
That, of course, is the lovely Jane Russell, who was so well-endowed, her breasts were an actual barrier to Howard Hughes’ flawed Western The Outlaw being released. (Oh, the MPAA had some “technical” reasons. But I guarantee they wouldn’t have been as pronounced had Hughes used Lauren Bacall for the part.)

Large breasts really can’t be very pointy. Ms. Russell had a bra engineered for her to, heh, enhance her bustline for The Outlaw. Apparently they never used it. (Why gild the mammary, eh, what?)

This is SURE to stop me from getting pointy breast hits! I just know it!

Newsflash: Breasts Always Good For Hits

I’ve been getting a lot of hits for “pointy breasts”.

Not all that surprising, except that I’d forgotten I’d written that entry. So I was a bit shocked to see people coming here after googline “torpedo shaped breasts”.

Thanks for the mammaries.

I joked with Trooper York about doing an ongoing series on breast shapes over history, but it’d be hard to deny I’d get more hits than I normally do if I went that route. Hey, Althouse created one of her most notorious posts by mixing breasts with politics. (I’m sorry, but I laugh every single time I see that picture.)

But I suppose if I said Warren G. Harding was a boob, I wouldn’t get the same reaction.

Queen of the Pointy Breasts?

It’s not a new observation that women’s breast shapes seem to have mysteriously changed over time. OK, it’s not that mysterious in this day of the breast-augmentation-as-prom-gift, but there’s a distinct evolution between the ‘40s and the early ’80s (before implants became like hair dye). It seems odd that the female mammary gland went from torpedo-shaped to the more rounded ’80s model.

But I digress. Touch of Evil is on cable and features the Queen of the Pointy Breasts.
That’s right: The late, lovely Janet Leigh. There’s something almost satirical about the way breasts were presented in the ’50s. In day-to-day clothing covered completely (by turtlenecks, no less) and yet absolutely defiant, threatening to burst out like siamese xenomorphs from John Hurt’s chest.

It as if distance from the spine were the measure of breasts’ worthiness. Less weird, though, than today’s obsession with bolt-ons. Generic bigness now being more important than scars and strange, unnatural dynamics, apparently.

Almost makes you wonder what’s next. My guess: smaller naturals. But they’ll be able to fake those, too….