Heartbreaker

As all regular maelstrom “readers” know, this site is primarily a porn site full of pointy breasted babes, if only you know the secret password to access the XXX super-secret celebrity video area.

Today’s entry in search-engine baiting is the incomparable Adrienne Barbeau. The incomparable Ms. Barbeau was something of a paradox: She had (has!) large breasts; she also had (has!) a brain!

At a time when busty meant bimbo, AB played credibly smart, tough women who could be fiercely aggressive when needed, but always with a feminine edge. A proto-Sigourney Weaver, if you like. A woman who actually gave birth to twins in her 50s.

Her most recent high-profile role was in the too-soon-canceled HBO series Carnivalé. Like some other great actresses (Helen Mirren, Judy Dench), she demonstrated that sexiness was not strictly the province of the young, even while she in no ways looks to have had any sort of surgery.

They’re not pointy. But they are fabulous.

Bit Maelstrom’s Greatest Hit?

Far-and-away the #1 hit I get on this blog is for this image of Faith Domergue.

Yeah, that’s right, not even for the entry, just for the picture. Probably 10-20% of the people who hit this blog hit it through a Google Image search…for what? Pointy breasts, I imagine, though the link tells me nothing.

The equally obscure Gloria Grahame is probably #2.

I just got a hit on Janet Leigh, who (as queen of the anointed pointed) really should be tops, just given her relative fame. But Faith, for whatever reason, comes up earlier in the image search, and so has rocketed ahead of the plucky, perky Leigh.

Jane Russell shows up fairly often, because search engines don’t get irony. I don’t believe I’ve ever gotten a hit on Lauren Bacall, but probably because she’s such a legend a zillion sites come up ahead of mine.

I’ve gotten a couple on Clare Grant, who doesn’t appear on a pointy breasted search, but more often than Edy Williams. The two Lindsays come up hardly at at all, even less than my beloved, neglected Carole Landis. The buxom pixie Audrey Tatou gets nary a hit.

It all adds up to me staying up too late on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. (You should know that I’m not exaggerating however. My last ten hits were four for faith, and one each for Jane and Janet, and the four remaining were: Greta Gerwig, mentioned in my Baghead review, my review of Cinematic Titanic’s Oozing Skull, Tiffany Shepis in Tooth and Nail, and a link from a blogger thing that allows you to see who’s changed their blogs recently.

Astounding.

Not The Lindsay Wagner You’re Looking For

In my post conflating racial equality with fashion embarrassment, I mentioned that Valerie Harper and Lindsay Wagner were among the rare few to survive ‘70s styles more-or-less unscathed. (Trooper York chimed in that the “Rhoda” look was making a comeback, with the headscarves and the like.)

But I started getting hits on “Lindsay Wagner”, which seemed sort of like a cool change, now that I’ve been on the front page of the “pointy breasts” search in Google for so many months. “Maybe,” I thought, “we’ll get a higher class of perv around this dump.”

But I suspect that the recent hits were not for ’70s fashion maven and all around classy 60-year-old former bionic woman:

but in fact, for oh-my-god-she-was-born-the-year-“Die Hard”-came-out, Playboy Playmate Lindsay Wagner:

So the search for relevance and class goes on, in all the wrong places.

Classic Cleavage?

Victoria at Sundries posts a picture of Lauren Bacall I will not reproduce here, in a post titled “What Were They Thinking?”

It’s not that she doesn’t have a point, it’s just that that is not Lauren Bacall. This is Lauren Bacall.

(Are those…pointy?) Ms. Bacall made her impossibly beautiful debut in To Have and Have Not and hooked up with Mr. Bogart, to the ire of Howard Hawks, at the age of 17. (People will watch Cyborg 2 for the 17-year-old Angelina Jolie decades from now…or something.)

Thing is–and don’t hate me for saying it–Bacall aged rapidly. I attribute that to the smoking, but if you watch her first few movies, she ages like she’s trying to catch up with Bogey. Of course, at some level, that’s sort of modern-puritanism talking: There could be lots of reasons for her to have aged rapidly. (And I’m not one to talk, I look about 112, and I don’t smoke or drink, etc.)

In fact, in Edward Bianchi’s 1981 disappointing film debut, The Fan, I thought she looked absolutely horrible. Setting aside that difference between 17 and 57, she’s actually gotten better looking since then. Although now, of course, there’s the difference between 57 and almost 87. (Bianchi, by the way, would come into his own 20 years later directing episodes of “Deadwood” and “The Wire”.)

I’ve wondered, lately, if part of the reason exquisite beauty like Bacall’s is so moving is because it’s so fragile.

Return of the Pointy Breasts

Given that the #1 source of hits on this site persist in being the pictures of Faith Domergue and Janet Leigh–poor Carole Landis can’t get no love–and the phrase “pointy breasts” or “pointed breasts”, I thought I would continue into this fascinating anthropological phenomenon.

Submitted for your approval: Clare Grant

Clare Grant is a relatively little known actress whose website pictures focus on her beautiful and haunting eyes. You can see a particularly breathtaking shot at this photographer’s site which hints at…well, the conical glands that are the focus of so much internet interest.

But we don’t have to guess (and a Google image with safe-search off will reveal) because the lovely Ms. Grant appears more or less starkers in the second season “Masters of Horror” episode, “Valerie on the Stairs”. (You can find those pix on the web if you’re so inclined as well.)

One of the things the MoH series does well is bring back that kind-of-erotic-but-mostly-creepy nudity that made VCRs so popular in the ‘80s. Ms. Grant’s loveliness is contrasted with her demon-sex-scenes in the Clive Barker tale of writers’ imaginations gone amok. It’s an okay episode of the generally less interesting second season, but it’s made infinitely more watchable by this young actress.

EDIT: Shortly before I posted this, someone actually did surf here for the Carole Landis picture! But Leigh and Domergue are battling out for the majority of the hits. (I refuse to make the obvious rhyme here.)

Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Apparently, my reference to Kitten Natividad in the last post stirred some, er, memories for Trooper. I defer to his expertise regarding her entree into the world of non-simulated video-recorded adult sexual activities, but I still say that one’s 40s–much less one’s 50s is a bit late to get started. To quote Knocked Up, “You’re too old–not for the Earth, but for this club.”

However, in my youth, Russ Meyer films were a popular item on ON-TV, and my fragile little mind was disturbed by such classics as Cherry, Harry and Racquel and Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens. (The former is the sort of movie prohibited during the Reagan years because of its mixing of sex and violence, and the latter is a bizarre little comedy which may be the only film in history where, if you weighed all the breasts, it would be greater than the weight of the entire cast, men included, without breast weight. Does that make sense?)

I tend to think it’s a sad state when an actress, no matter how exploitative her career was, ends up in porn to pay the bills or out of desperation for attention.

Natividad was an early adventure in breast augmentation procedure: She had silicone injected directly into her breasts. This demonstrates two things: 1) a loose fluid of the right viscosity is far superior to bags of goo; 2) people are nuts. It’s entirely possible that her double-mastectomy from breast cancer in 1999 was unrelated to this silicone injection, of course. But, wow! I think you even had to do it repeatedly because the body would absorb the silicone after awhile, but I’m not sure if I’m just confusing it with the lip injections they do these days.

If memory serves, Kitten Natividad was interviewed in Jewel Shepherd’s “Invasion of the B-Movie Girls”. In it, she tells a story of a producer demanding sex for a job while she was interviewing for a part in his office. They haggled, and she ended up manually relieving the agent in question. She then cupped her hand and headed to the lobby. When the producer asked where she was going, she said, “I’m going to give my agent his 10%.”

Interesting if true.

Busty–er, busy

I’ve been too busy to post here much this week, but I thought we could extend our “pointy breast” studies with the anomalous Edy Williams.

Edy turned 18 in 1960, which is at the tail end of the pointy breast era. In fact, I stumbled across this picture by sheer accident, but I remembered her from such classic films as–well, a bunch of movies she wasn’t in because I had mixed her up with someone else.

She was in Russ Meyer’s Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, though, which Siskel & Ebert named as one of the 10 best of the year. (Ebert wrote the script.) She was married to Russ for five years.

Anyway, most of the pix of her show quite clearly that she doesn’t have pointy breasts at all, but you wouldn’t know that looking at the bikini shot here. I don’t know the precise date of this shot, but it would have to be at the tail-end of the pointy breast phenomenon.

Edy never really made it big in Hollywood, despite her enormous talents, and she went from a TV regular in her youth to novelty nudie in the ‘80s and ’90s. IMDB lists her last film as being a porn in 1995. (A little advice from Kitten Natividad: Porn isn’t really a good career choice at 53, no matter how good looking you were at 23.)

Pointy-breasted challenger: Gloria Grahame

Hector from Rain In The Doorway pointed me to a shot of Bad and the Beautiful which highlighted this challenger to Janet Leigh’s title.

The Bad the Beautiful is a marvelous, underappreciated film although I wonder if Gloria Grahame was really all that good-looking. Or maybe it’s just that the mannequin styles of the ‘50s didn’t really work with her looks.

Nonetheless, this sweatered shot from her ’50s turn in Fritz Lang’s Human Desire earns her a place in the pointy-breast hall of fame.

French Ta-tas

Although it’s not the fashion these days, I must confess a love for the Gallic. The French people I’ve known not in France have all been quite nice. I didn’t encounter a lot of rudeness in France, either. But truth-be-told, my most frequent encounter these days is with the women (and men, too, but, you know) of the French cinema.

This will probably sound trite to some of you, but I love the way that older French women in movies look their age. Still attractive, to be sure, but not gauzily filmed with copious vaseline on the lens.

However, this salute to the breast concerns one of the younger women, the aforementioned Audrey Tatou:
And not pointy, either. I didn’t mention it, but Ms. Tatou flashes a bit in Priceless. I’m provincial enough to almost have been shocked by that.

Almost.