First In A Series In Which I Offer Unsolicited Advice To Celebrities Based On Miniscule Exposure To Their Work

Many moons ago, compulsive copyeditor Amba tweeted this delightful little video from the Wellington Ukulele Orchestra. (This is going to be an unusual post for me; I’m actually embedding video.)

Ukuleles aside, the maudlin nature of the song pushes it over into a sort of joyous “singing the blues” (no actual blues involved). These guys sound (and look) like they’re having a great time. Not mocking it, but not wallowing in hyper dark seriousness.
Since I’d been plucking on my uke a bit more lately, I thought I’d check out the song a bit more and discovered the song was originally Bonnie Tyler. Having survived the ‘80s, I knew her from a couple of other songs, and it occurred to me, at that moment, I could probably offer some helpful romantic advice to Ms. Tyler.
First of all, here’s her rendition. (I can barely stand to listen to it, even though the WUO is pretty faithful.)

Wait a second. Catch those lyrics? There aren’t many of them, but you may not have stopped to consider them fully.
It’s a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Love him till your arms break
Then he lets you down
Wait, love him till what? Your arms break? What were you doing that either of you were enjoying up to the point that your arms actually broke?
Well, anyone can be a bit intense from time-to-time. It’s not like, you know, it’s super-creepy intense with, like, ninjas and angels and glowy-eyed demons and erotic dreams of half-naked underaged boys, right?

Well, it’s important to keep a positive attitude.
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark
We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
OK, but at least there’s no good reason whatsoever to hang out in an abandoned insane asylum right?
All right, I’m getting the picture. Well, maybe you can make up for some of these, um, relationship shortcomings by lowering your standards?
It’s gonna take a superman
To sweep me off my feet
The problem, Ms. Tyler, is that you’re constantly at 10, in a world that’s happiest with things around a 3-4. Guys, in particular, like calm, level-headed women who are appreciative without being overly needy.
Look, try something different. Imagine this guy approaching you:

And just ask yourself, “Am I gonna scare him off?” If the answer’s “yes”, you might want to consider dialing it back a bit.

You’re welcome.

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